An Autumn Walk Through Great YA Fiction

What a tangled web we weave

What a tangled web we weave

Reading descriptions of new books is extremely dangerous, at least for me. I find myself reading well into the morning hours a couple times each week and the siren call of a partially read book when I should be finishing a backyard project is incredibly powerful. After all, sitting in September sunshine, engrossed in another world beats the tar off raking up rotten apples or sifting dirt. This time around, I’ll share reviews of some books recently enjoyed. While not all are mysteries, each one is worth exploring should the description catch your fantasy. All are available on interlibrary loan through MaineCat.

undone

Undone by Brooke Taylor, Walker & Company, 2008. ISBN: 9780802720757. When you’re fifteen and feeling lost, what do you do? In Serena’s case, she holds on to her friendship with Kori, who did a complete 180 degree change two years ago. She went from being a blonde cheerleader type to what other kids call a ‘dark angel.’ Despite their friendship, Kori won’t tell Serena what happened to flip the switch, but then Serena has some secrets and unanswered questions of her own. Why does she look like Kori? Who is her father? What’s the deal with her mother avoiding meaningful conversations, but leaving post-it notes that say ‘let’s talk’ every time Serena does something that rocks the boat.

When one of their teachers gives them an assignment that asks them to think about ways they might change in the next six months and to list five things they could do that might tempt fate. Kori’s always pushing Serena to stop being so timid and as they create their lists, the secrets begin to mount. Who is the guy that’s instant messaging Serena, but thinks she’s Kori? What do some of the veiled references Kori makes mean? Suddenly it’s too late for Serena to get direct answers from her best friend. Kori dies in a horrific car crash in front of the high school just as Serena and Anthony, her new maybe boyfriend, arrive for class.

Serena is completely devastated, pushing her other friends away and trying to hide under the covers. Her mind can’t accept that Kori is really dead. When she does finally let reality back into her life, she decides she must complete Kori’s list of five, not only to honor her, but to get some answers that she desperately needs if she’ll ever have any hope of moving on.

How she completes them and what she discovers along the way pulled me in so much that the world around me seemed to fade and I was inside the story. That’s high praise for a first book. This one is gritty, sad and at times painful to read, but teens, particularly those who have experienced loss of a friend or who love an intricate plot with interesting characters will eat this book up in one sitting.

infinite sea

The Infinite Sea: The Second Book of the Fifth Wave by Rick Yancey. Putnam, 2014. ISBN: 9780399162428. Warning: Do not even try reading this book unless you read the first one because you’ll be hopelessly lost. In fact many readers may want to reread The Fifth Wave in order to jump right into this one. Second books of a trilogy are particularly tricky. The author needs to build a bridge without giving too much away or making things drag. Well there’s no drag here, just plenty of violence, evil aliens and action. After all, space invaders who have pretty much wiped out 7 billion humans aren’t going to play nice no matter what. I understand the numerous complaints about the book not focusing as much on Cassie and Evan. There’s too much going on that WILL grab the reader for this to bother most who do get into the book. By the end, you’re likely to feel a bit like a wrung out sponge and have plenty of questions you’re dying to have answered in the final installment and that, after all, is what a good middle book should do for readers.

There’s lots of violence in this that might turn off some YA readers, but it’s completely appropriate given the plot. It’s a great addition to both school and public libraries. If you haven’t laid your hands on the first book, do so and give yourself a double-decker dystopian treat. (Rumor has it that the first book is going to be made into a movie).

ghosting

For those who like their fiction in audio format, here’s one I got a chance to enjoy as a School Library Journal reviewer. It’s also available in print. Pattou, Edith, Ghosting, 1 MP3 CD. 4:25 hrs. Brilliance Audio. 2014. $9.99. ISBN 9781491529638. Maxie has returned to the midwestern town she grew up in after a failed family move to Colorado. School begins on Monday and she’s nervous about how she’ll fit in after everything changing. When Emma, her former best friend, reluctantly invites her to a party, it sets in motion an evening full of self-discovery and mistakes in judgment that set them on a collision course with tragedy. Told in alternating voices and viewpoints by the girls, along with their other old friend, Felix, Chloe, Brendan, Emma’s very angry and impulsive boyfriend, and Anil, a quiet, but very smart son of two physicians, the teens pull listeners into what could have been an uneventful last night before school starts. Instead, the tension ramps steadily upward and expands to include a sad and possibly mentally ill boy living with his grandmother as well as the sheriff and Emma’s younger sister, Faith.

This is a terrific audio book, one that teens will relate to because many of them will have had nights that could have gone this wrong. The cast is excellent as is the pacing. A great choice for both school and public libraries.

Fiendish

Fiendish by Brenna Yovanoff, Razorbill, 2014. ISBN: 9781595146380. Want creepy? Want Southern Gothic with a paranormal twist? Read this book and get both. Clementine has been hidden away in the cellar under what remains of her house. She’s held by willow roots and floats in a dream state, aware of subtle sounds and movement around her. She’s been there for years, ever since someone took her there during what was called The Reckoning, a time when townspeople went crazy and torched homes of those they thought were involved in the Craft. When a strange boy named Fisher frees her, she discovers it’s been years since that insane night. Her home is destroyed, her mother dead and her favorite aunt wanders about in a haze, unable or unwilling to recognize her.

Clementine struggles to adjust with the help of her cousin Shiny who also possesses the power townspeople refer to as the Craft. Shiny tries to warn her off Fisher, but the attraction between the two is too powerful. They, along with Rae, a black girl who wasn’t targeted during the Reckoning, Fisher and Davenport, the sad daughter of a really crazy and dangerous man, make up a group Fisher’s grandmother says matches a surreal star painting that hangs in town. When they all become aware of their connection, the Craft in a scary area known as the Hollow, starts coming to life again and the teens must find a way to get things back to normal (or as normal as things can get when you live in a really creepy and unstable place).

How they survive makes for a really gripping read. There’s violence and creepiness aplenty, so I wouldn’t suggest this for younger teens. YA readers who like industrial strength strange with some very interesting characters will really like this book.

love incorporated

Love, Inc. by Yvonne Collins and Sandy Rideout. Hyperion, 2011. ISBN: 9781423131151. Zahra’s stuck between splitting parents. That’s bad enough, but her Pakistani grandparents have arrived for an extended stay and are driving her crazy as they turn her mom into some sort of squishy religious stranger. To add insult to injury, she’s been sentenced to group therapy because her estranged parents can’t communicate with her and think that therapy will fix, by proxy, the mess they created and can’t deal with.

The group is a mix of boys and girls, all of whom have unstable and/or divorcing parents.
There’s cynicism aplenty and at first, very little mutual support. When Zahra, Kali and Syd all realize they’ve been dating the same guy, they suddenly have a target to focus all their anger and frustration. Eric, aka Rico, aka Rick loves his fancy rebuilt car, so the girls hatch a plot to trash and befoul Miss Daisy as he calls his ride. Their scheme is not only well done, but the description as they complete it is funny as heck.

Word gets around and it isn’t long before the three girls realize there’s plenty of money to be made exacting revenge for other kids, but why stop there. It doesn’t take long for them to start taking on spying assignments for other teens who suspect their significant other is cheating on them. It’s just a skip and a hop from this to facilitating breakups and finding the perfect match for teens floundering in the dating pool.

Too bad Zahra can’t find her own hottie, even though a perfect match is right under her nose. Toss in more and more stress from her grandparents, worry over what’s happening to her younger sister, some jobs that go too well and a few that go bad, plus a dog in desperate need of a pacemaker and you have one great read. Teens who like a smart, sassy and funny romance will eat this book up in a couple sessions. It’s definitely one to add to any library that likes to provide teens with good reading material.

a little something

A Little Something Different by Sandy Hall, Swoon Reads, 2014. ISBN: 9781250061454. Do we realize how many people watch us? Lea and Gabe are two shy, awkward and undeniably likable college students. When they find themselves in the same creative writing class, it’s clear to Inga, the instructor that they are the ‘couple’ for that semester. She’s picked two students every term that she’s convinced are made for each other and has often tailored the assignments to help them find each other.

Inga’s not the only one who realizes that Lea and Gabe are meant for each other. The barristas at the local Starbucks get it, Maxine, the older and slightly cynical but still romantic waitress at a nearby restaurant sees their unconscious attraction, Gabes’ older brother Sam in in, as is Lea’s roommate Maribel. Heck even the friendly campus squirrel and a bench that thinks Gabe’s butt is the best one that ever sat on it gets their unconscious mutual attraction. In fact Lea and Gabe are possibly the least aware of how made for each other they are…At least when they’re near each other.

Told from fourteen different viewpoints, this is a maddeningly delightful love story. At times you want to scream something like “Can you two get a clue, for heaven’s sake?”, but as their history is revealed, particularly the tragic events that affected Gabe during what should have been his sophomore year, you can’t help but become sympathetic and start rooting for them to get that bag of clues that’s dancing in front of them.

This is a risky book. Keeping this many viewpoints clean and interesting is no mean feat, but the author pulls it off quite nicely. Teens and many adults who remember how awkward the dating scene was when they were younger will like this book a lot. It’s certainly a good addition for both school and public libraries.

a hitch at

A Hitch at the Fairmont by Jim Averbeck, illustrated by Nick Bertozzi, Athenum, 2014. ISBN: 9781442494473. Jack’s quite an artist for his age. He can draw almost anything, even places and people he’s seen very briefly. All he has to do is close his eyes and grip a pencil and something magic happens. Sadly, the only exception to this is his late father who was killed in World war II. No matter how hard Jack tries, he comes up blank. Before she vanished by driving a car into the ocean in an apparent suicide, his mom, a small time actress, told him that he looked just like his father.

The story opens in 1956 with Jack being hauled off from Los Angeles to San Francisco by his aunt Edith who not only is cruel and cold, but didn’t give him time to pack his own belongings. Instead, she packed two crates, one with some of his stuff, the other with stuff his mother left behind.

When they arrive in San Francisco, Jack discovers that his aunt is a permanent resident on an upper floor in the Fairmont Hotel and doesn’t trust anyone. She’s addicted to fancy chocolates which he has to get from a shop on the hotel’s main floor whenever she’s out. When he goes to get on the elevator for a late evening chocolate run, he’s greeted by a large man whose voice is eerily familiar. Jack recognizes one of his favorite TV personalities, Alfred Hitchcock and notices that he enters the room next to Aunt Edith’s.

When he returns with the chocolates, Jack discovers that his aunt has been kidnapped and a ransom note has been spelled out on her bed in chocolates she’d discarded because of their flavor. At first, he’s frozen and ready to panic. What can a ten year old boy who has recently been orphaned do? When he remembers who is in the next room, he begins to take control of things. It is a challenge to convince Mr. Hitchcock to help him, especially since he has a fear of policemen, but despite a comedy of errors when they try to report Aunt Edith’s abduction, Jack manages to get Alfred to help figure out what really happened to his aunt, why one of the supposed ransom notes may not have come from whoever grabbed her and what the real significance of the seven characters on the silver coffin-shaped charm allegedly left by his deceased father is. Before the crime is solved, Jack and his hero have disrupted the funeral of a perfect stranger by singing bawdy lyrics, dressed in drag, outwitted some really evil people and discovered an amazing secret about Jack’s late father. This is a fun read for tweens who like mysteries and books with plenty of action. If they know anything about the history of early television, that will make this even more fun to read. It’s a book worthy of a juvenile Edgar nomination as well as being in pretty much every public and school library.

In Too Deep

In Too Deep by Coert Voorhees, Disney Hyperion, 2013. ISBN: 9781423140351 . Annie Fleet doesn’t fit in as well as she’d like at the exclusive private school she attends. She’s on scholarship because her dad teaches there. He gave her his love of history and of lost treasure ships, but lost his own enthusiasm along the way. Her mom runs a barely breaking-even dive shop. Scuba diving is Annie’s other passion. Most of the teens attending the school have rich and famous parents like Josh, the son of a famous movie star that she’s crushing on. There’s no way on earth, she’ll ever get even a glance from him, or is there?

When Josh wants to get certified so he can dive on a trip his mother is planning, he uses Annie’s mom’s shop, but Mom thinks Annie’s better qualified to teach him. Josh, however, blows off the manual and what Annie is trying to teach him. The result is his nearly drowning in the practice pool and Annie has to perform rescue breathing. It’s not the way she’s imagined their mouths meeting, but it starts a slightly different connection between them, one that will drive her nuts as the story progresses.

Annie, Josh and siblings Kate and Nate are the only ones in her history class willing to sign on for a humanitarian trip with their teacher. Annie desperately wants to take her diving gear along, but Mom and Dad nix that. However, when the teens reach their destination, it’s soon clear that something else is going on. When their teacher convinces them that he may know the location of a clue to the Golden Jaguar, a huge gold statue supposedly left behind by Cortez, Annie’s all over diving for it, even if it means doing so at night and in unfamiliar waters. She’s nearly killed in the process, but finds something that just might lead to the mythical statue.

Unsure who to trust, she decides to keep her find a secret until she can figure out what to do. This is where things speed up and get really interesting. Between her roller-coaster relationship with Josh, made even more up and down because she’s pretty clueless about guy stuff, and the way she and Josh have to try and stay one step ahead of the bad guys, the story grabs you and doesn’t let go until the last page. There’s a great mix of action, mystery and romance here, creating a book that teens will really like.

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Life Between Worlds

534392_471646666199537_383056311_nDorothy Cannell, freshly out of writer’s jail, has this to report:

This past month has been another of those times when I exist in a fuzzy state of being on reaching the end of a book, this one Death in Dovecote Hatch, which follows Murder at Mullings published last year by Severn House. This new series featuring Florence Norris, housekeeper at Mullings, and George Bird, owner of the local pub is set during the early nineteen thirties in England, a world for me as a writer with appealing differences from today. One of these is that car and cell phones did not exist, avoiding the question: Why on earth does the nincompoop sleuth not summon help on instant dial when he, or she, stranded in a stalled vehicle on a lonely country lane, beholds the armed villain emerging through the dusk? Another appealing difference is the speech patterns and mannerisms of the period, the readier acceptance of class distinctions to be scrutinized.

What interests me, particularly so with women, is the desire of some amongst the ‘lower orders of society’ to improve the lot accorded them by the supposed importance of knowing one’s place in life. And yet, again as a writer, there is nostalgia for the vanishing world of the gentry and nobility with their ancestral homes and vast estates. Much of what occurs in Death in Dovecote Hatch revolves around the village of that name with its postman and his wife amongst the central characters. For the past couple of weeks I have been back at Mullings, the great house of district occupied for hundreds of years by the titled Stodmarsh family; though not of course by the same members of it, the human age span however generous to some being woefully short.

This is the world that has absorbed me in my basement hideaway to the point where reality has become decidedly fuzzy when taking a break to unwind my fingers.

Yesterday (or could have been the one before) I summoned my husband Julian into the drawing room.Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 6.16.10 PM He did not knock before entering but I refrained from criticizing because he would have pointed out that there is no door between the kitchen where he’d been standing and where I was seated on the sofa – it is all one room. Also butlers are hard to find these days.

“Ah, there you are Cannell! Took your time getting here!”

“I beg your pardon, Madam,” he inclined his head. “I was in pursuit of the washing up.”

“Was it running away?”

“Oh, no, Madam, ‘pursuit’ was the wrong word; I should have said ‘engaged’.”

“To what? The crockery or the cutlery? This modern thinking is deplorable! Pray do not tell me they are likely to have knife fights over you, or I will have the vapours!” His hearing is not what it should be.”

He cupped an ear. Some member of the lower crust is invariably cupping an ear in Death in Dovecote Hatch. “Did you say, Madam, that it’d get in the papers?”

“No, I did not!” I’d forgotten what topic we’d been on. With all I have to do each day languishing on my sofa this is more than understandable. “And here I was, Cannell, about to compliment you, despite your occasionally over familiarity, for stepping up to the plate recently.”

“A pleasure, Madam. Not to boast, I wonder if you happened to observe that I actually stepped on one this morning – you having placed placed it on the floor after partaking of the breakfast I’d brought in for you. And very sensible if I may presume to say so, objects not getting knocked off floors.”

“Thank you, Cannell.” I graced him with a patrician smile. “When speaking of your stepping up to the plate I meant in regard to Master Simeon.”

“Ah, yes! The Siamese kitten.”

“If you must refer to him in that dismissive, one might say, derogative way, yes.”

“I beg your pardon, Madam. As you instructed I have been teaching him to drive.”

“Not in the Bentley, I trust.”

“Most assuredly not. One of those small, circular, robotic vacuum gadgets. Master Simeon having finished his Russian lesson, he is presently practicing the violin, endeavoring to master Three Blind Mice.”

That is pleasing to hear, although I had hoped he would have moved on to Bach. “What is that you’re holding, Cannell?”

Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 6.15.12 PM“The grocery list you wrote out for me, Madam. All items are clearly written, but I am somewhat perplexed by the one for small, flat frozen people. I had thought you leaning towards vegetarianism this week.”

“So I am, Cannell. How tiresome of you this is! You must know I wanted the cheese only kind.”

“Ah, pizzas!”

“As I undoubtedly wrote!”

“I’m afraid not, Madam!” He had the impertinence to tap the paper. “I must say this comes as a vast relief. I was picturing myself going up and down the frozen aisle, stopping other shoppers asking if they knew where the small, flat, frozen people would be.”

I waved a dismissive hand and he retreated outdoors where undoubtedly in another era he would have jammed a cigarette in his mouth and smoked his head off. This reminded me that during the period of which I am writing smoking was encouraged, thus providing for some physical action during passages of dialogue or reflection. I was happy in my retreat to Dovecote Hatch, where Inspector LeCrane, elegant and aristocratic, has a slim silver cigarette case, and even that worthiest of men, George Bird, smokes the occasional pipe.

 

 

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IS THE GOVERNMENT WATCHING ME?
avatar

Susan Vaughan here.

Recent revelations of government mass collection of emails and other spying have prompted me to consider how my research for books might trigger FBI or NSA attention. When I began writing romantic suspense, researching meant walking into a library building and sitting down with large tomes or calling on experts in person or on the phone. Sometimes fascinating but tedious and slow. For my first published book, I telephoned the Drug Enforcement Agency in Boston with a list of questions. The Public Information Officer required that I send in personal information including my Social Security number. I also had to ask my employer to send her a letter verifying my identity and upstanding character. A month later—yes, a month—I  was able to ask my questions—make of pistols, make of vehicles, etc. Basic stuff. That still didn’t mean the PIO would answer. She did share the weaponry but wouldn’t reveal what vehicles they drove. Now the information I wanted can be found on the Internet.

DEA SUV

DEA SUV

The standard issue pistol is a Glock 19, and the vehicles vary depending on the case, some labeled DEA, some anonymous, like this one. But hmm, does my search engine then alert NSA?

For another book, I wanted to know if it might be legal to carry a pistol on an airliner. And if so, what were the procedures and requirements. Easy research. I popped over to the Transportation Security Administration website and found my answer.

Guns seized TSA

The above were confiscated at an airport security check. “Oh, officer, I forgot I had my gun in my carryon/handbag/camera case.”

Except for certain trained law enforcement personnel and air marshals, the answer is no weapons in carryon luggage. Weapons in checked baggage must follow certain regulations and inspection. But does the TSA know I visited their site to look for that?

I had a story idea involving a person who supposedly died in a disaster—earthquake, hurricane, terror attack—but who took the opportunity to disappear because of, take your pick: abusive husband, mob hit contracted, had committed a crime. So I wondered how disappearing could be accomplished in this age of electronic everything and security check. Staying anonymous is easier for illegal immigrants who’ve never had legal status than it is for citizens.

Disappear-Internet-02-0112-mdn

You need money, credible identification, transportation, and probably a fake birth certificate and a fake Social Security number. I learned on many websites that today it’s very difficult, but possible. Not that I’m thinking of disappearing, of course. Are you listening, FBI?

For my current project, a mystery not a romantic suspense, I need to know how to hack into a cell phone or a person’s cell phone records. Does the hacker need physical access to the phone? Or is the phone number enough?

Phone-hacking

I haven’t looked this up yet, but if anyone’s paying attention, I want it known that even if I learn the answers to my questions, I haven’t the technical expertise to carry off hacking of any kind.

*** My newest release is one of 10 in KILLER ROMANCES, a boxed set by 10 romantic suspense authors, only 99 cents for a limited time. My contribution is PRIMAL OBSESSION. You can find more information and buy links at www.susanvaughan.com.

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Weekend Update: September 27-28, 2014

fallsbooks1Next week at Maine Crime Writers there will be posts by Susan Vaughan (Monday), Dorothy Cannell (Tuesday), John Clark (Wednesday), Sarah Graves (Thursday), and Kate Flora (Friday).

In the news department, here’s what’s happening with some of us who blog regularly at Maine Crime Writers:

Ho Ho Homicide-Kaitlyn Dunnettfrom Kaitlyn Dunnett: The first review is out for Ho-Ho-Homicide (publication date October 28) and it’s a nice one from Publisher’s Weekly, calling the book the “enjoyable eighth” in the series and Liss MacCrimmon “engaging” and “level-headed.” The best line? That I “skillfully” use “misdirection to keep the reader guessing to the end.”  I can live with that!

 

from Barb Ross: I’m thrilled that Kensington has renewed my contract and will be publishing books 4, 5 & 6 in the Maine Clambake Mystery series. I’m working on Book 4 right now and can’t wait to find out what happens.

from Kate Flora: An interesting interview about cadaver dogs, and how dog lore can help writers with their plots at:
http://thrillwriting.blogspot.com/2014/09/cadaver-dogs-information-for-writers.html

Kate will be at the Newport Cultural Center Saturday morning at 11:00 to talk about her new true crime, Death Dealer.

katenp7

Kate and game warden Pat Dorion with Death Dealer at the Newport Library

Kate and game warden Pat Dorion with Death Dealer at the Newport Library

An invitation to readers of this blog: Do you have news relating to Maine, Crime, or Writing? We’d love to hear from you. Just comment below to share. Don’t forget that comments are entered for a chance to win our wonderful basket of books and the very special moose and lobster cookie cutters.

 

And a reminder: If your library, school, or organization is looking for a speaker, we are often available to talk about the writing process, research, where we get our ideas, and other mysteries of the business. Contact Kate Flora: mailto: kateflora@gmail.com

 

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A Few of My Favorite Witticisms

James Hayman: One of my great pleasures is chuckling over the wit of others. In this blog I’d like to share a few of the great one (and two and three) liners from some of my favorite writers, performers, actors, comics, quarterbacks and catchers. In my opinion the all time champ is, without question, Dorothy Parker.   But others also deserve a place in the pantheon of wit. Here are just a few examples of cleverness that I enjoy repeating at cocktail parties when conversation fails and the guests’ spirits need to be picked up. If you have some of your own favorites, please share them with the rest of us.

“I used to be Snow White-but I drifted.” Mae West.

“You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think.” –Dorothy Parker

“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered until I read the description in the catalogue: No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” Eleanor Roosevelt.

“Until I was thirteen I thought my name was SHUT UP.”- Joe Namath

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”-Woody Allen.

“If all the girls attending this year’s Yale senior prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.”-Dorothy Parker.

“The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.’ These days she’s got a baseball bat and is yelling ‘You want a piece of me?’ “- Robin Williams.

“What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?   Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.” -Groucho Marx.

“I’d love to have a martini, two at the very most, three I’m under the table, four I’m under the host”-Dorothy Parker.

“You’d better cut that pizza into four slices. I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”- Yogi Berra.

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”-Mae West.

“I tend to place my wives under a pedestal.” –Woody Allen.

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” –Billy Wilder.

“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars. Just intense negotiations every twenty eight days.” –Robin Williams.

“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”-Woody Allen.

Of course I talk to myself. I not only like a good speaker, I also appreciate an intelligent audience.”-Dorothy Parker.

I’m not a member of any organized political party. I’m a Democrat.” –Will Rogers.

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience. But as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good.” -Woody Allen.

“Outside of a dog a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”- Groucho Marx.

“Puritanism may be defined as the haunting fear that somebody, somewhere may actually be having a good time.”- H.L. Mencken.

“The towels were so thick in that hotel, I could hardly close my suitcase.”-Yogi Berra.

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest?” –George Carlin.

“Tell him I was too fucking busy—or maybe it was vice-versa.” –Dorothy Parker (message to her agent.)

“The food here is not only terrible, the portions are too small.” –Woody Allen.

“A fool and his money are soon elected.” –Will Rogers.

“I’ve been in more laps than a napkin.”- Mae West.

Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they won’t go to yours.”-Yogi Berra.

“What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme.”-Dorothy Parker.

“I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns one on, I go in the other room and read a book.”-Groucho Marx.

“’I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile. But that would be beating a dead horse.” Woody Allen.

“Anyone who hates small children and cute animals can’t be all bad.”-W.C. Fields.

“I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported.”-Mae West.

“I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.”-Yogi Berra.

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety seven now and we don’t know where the hell she is.” –Ellen DeGeneres.

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” –Woody Allen.

“A hard man is good to find.” –Mae West.

“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had nothing to eat but food and water.” –W.C. Fields.

“This is not a book to be tossed away lightly. It should be thrown with great force.” –Dorothy Parker.

“Women should be obscene and not heard.” –Groucho Marx.

“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re still happy.” –Dorothy Parker.

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