As I sit here peeling potatoes and yellow squash for my Thanksgiving Day meal, I can’t help but think about crime. It’s what I write about and love to read. Often, but not always, I like to give thanks after the holiday: thanks that my family didn’t kill each other over the turkey.
Little do people know that many crimes occur on this day of thanks. That’s why there should be rules to prevent such senseless violence. First, outlaw all forms of political dialogu. Warn Uncle Ralph not to discuss the benefits of trickled down economics. Chastise Aunt Betty when she explains how the election was rigged. Doing this should go a long way toward fanning the flames of political discontent.
Alcohol. Sometimes one needs alcohol when dealing with certain family functions. But all booze should be stowed away on T-day. On the chance that someone does bring up politics, adding alcohol to the mix is a deadly combination. Yes, people will complain, but in the end you’ll be thankful you prohibited the Wild Turkey.
Absolutely no sharing any insider trading.
If you have Dallas Cowboy fans, tread lightly. People take their football seriously, especially Cowboy fans, and any gentle ribbing about their team losing may lead to homicidal impulses. No one cares about the Lions, because they stink, so feel free tease them generously. Enjoy the game, but be careful offending fans of other teams.
Thanksgiving Day invites the weirdest types of crimes. Take the ex-New York City police officer, Gilberto Valle. In RAW JUSTICE, by my talented friend, Brian Whitney, he tells hows Valle desired to cook and eat a woman for Thanksgiving dinner. How about poor Jimmy Mulligan who had his turkey and stuffing stolen while on his way to a T-Day celebration. The dispatcher thought it was a joke and dismissed it. When she found out that this crime really happened, she felt so bad that she had delivered an entire Thanksgiving dinner to his house. Or my favorite. A carjacker got the surprise of his life when his victim fought back with a frozen Butterball, sending him to the hospital
I hope everyone has a great thanksgiving. I give thanks for my family and all I’ve been blessed with in life. I thank my great fans for reading my books, and being blessed with the ability and drive to write my novels. Hopefully, I’ll be able to attract a whole new fan base in April with my new novel THE NEIGHBOR. Follow my rules for Thanksgiving and you’re sure to have a safe and wonderful holiday.
Well said. I was guilty of Thanksgiving terrorism before getting sober, so I can attest to the importance of hiding guns and booze. Fortunately, I’m more civilized now and my biggest fear on thanksgiving is eating too much.
Fun post, Joe! Happy Thanksgiving!