Vaughn Hardacker here: I wanted to start 2015 off on an uplifting note. I came across this list on Snopes.com (http://www.snopes.com/humor/lists/metaphor.asp#AyEYz5KbVLWUmvGI.99) and felt it was my God-appointed duty to pass it on to the world.

Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

PB_Copy_Jobs1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Here is our challenge. During the coming year we all have to come up with an analogy more hilarious and innovative than #14.

Here’s my first entry: Her blind date looked like something she found on the bottom of her shoe after walking across the cow pasture.

Well, it is a first draft! I’ll do better with the rewrite.

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  1. Gram says:

    I belong to a group of senior citizens who join a different group of Sophomores each spring for what is called Intergenerational Poetry. Many of those kids never fail to amaze us. The insight shown is something we agree we never had at that age.
    The above are fun though and I will be thinking…

    • Vaughn Hardacker says:

      It is refreshing to know that some of the younger generation can be this thoughtful and innovative. Number 14 is possibly the best piece of satire I’ve encountered in years!


  2. Monica says:

    OMG, those were so funny! As funny as… I’ll think about it for awhile.

  3. Charlene says:

    Best post-blizzard laugh yet! Thanks for sharing!

    • Vaughn Hardacker says:

      Here’s another post blizzard laugh! Up here in the county we got less than 6 inches of the white stuff! Which to us is a dusting! Of course when everyone south of us (or as I call it “Down in The United States”) is back to normal we’ll be getting two storms (6 to 10″ on Friday) and another storm on Monday (ATBD–Amount To Be Determined)


  4. Let us hope none of these so-called students decide to become writers. But then, even if they do, there should be no competition, like a heifer winning a contest but falling down in a pile of cow flop.

  5. David Edgar Cournoyer says:

    Thanks for sharing these –they are brilliant and funny.
    If you’re looking for your missing snow we have it here in SE CT.

  6. Awesome. Will pass it along! 🙂

  7. sandra gardner says:

    hysterical! and sad.

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