Well, this is embarrassing…rolled out of bed and realized it was my day to blog…and my head was empty! But this being the season of stress, I offer the following to lighten your mood and perhaps raise a smile. K.
You already know that I’m a confirmed Craigslist junkie. Have been since my students first told me about it. I have a Craigslist couch. A Craigslist coffee table. A Craigslist desk chair. A Craigslist bed. But as a measure of the culture’s pulse, one only has to spend a little time on Craigslist to confirm something we old farts have known for a while: that the next generation, the computer-savvy, e-mailing, text-messaging, tweet like a birdie generation, often presents as functionally illiterate. Or maybe it’s not the next generation. Maybe it’s just the awkwardness of stabbing out words on tiny devices and pressing “send” without reviewing the content.
Whatever the reason, whole rafts of people are out there selling products—often products that I, after working for more than thirty years, couldn’t afford to buy in the first place—yet they cannot spell the names of the things they’re trying to sell. (Have I ever mentioned here that my mother was an English teacher?)
There are, for example, a lot of people out there who are trying to sell their lamps, wine racks, bookshelves, and coffee tables made of a material called rot iron. It doesn’t sound very appealing to me; nor does it sound very stable. Especially when I’m invited to purchase a queen sized bed made out of rot iron. Hardly sounds like it would last through one galloping good marital session. Some of them have items made out of rod iron. A little less unpleasant.One aspiring seller even told me that “rod” has generally replaced “wrought” as the proper term. I expect if I inquired of the rest, they’d tell me, as they learned in elementary school phonetic spelling, that as long as they can be understood, it’s fine. The simple fact is, though, that understanding often lies just beyond the reader’s grasp, though not beyond the reader’s imagination.
Just as the roadsides everywhere are littered with discarded plastic water bottles, the homes, condo and apartments in any college town seem to be littered with small, round, dish-shaped chairs. These Papasan chairs are referred to, by Craigslisties, as Papusums, conjuring up small, ratlike nocturnal animals, papazums, papazans, papasams, and a whole host of other spellings. Every day, between three and ten are offered for sale. Sometimes with ottomans. Ottamuns. Attomans. Attumans. We live, it seems, in the papasan and ottoman empire. One thing is clear–even if their owners don’t know what they’re called–there are enough of them out there that if they banded together, they could take over the world.
Often, Craigslist consumers are invited to purchase products that seem to have lives of their own. One might become the next owner of an “antic MIT desk” for only $100.00. If you are interested in floor level interactions, there are rugs from Central Anatolia where the sizes, colors and motives vary. In a house where the desk is antic and the rugs have motives, you might want to be very careful about also acquiring a Craftsman 10” radio alarm saw. It’s hard enough to get up in the morning without so much worry and commotion.
Perhaps you’re new in town and trying to set up an apartment. Craigslist is the place to go. Everything a homeowner needs is available. Imagine becoming the proud owner of the following: carpet, table, lamp, dust bean, wardrove, dubei, etc. You could augment this with plates, glasses, cuttery, and tones of tuber-wares. Then finish that place by acquiring a “burrow, with attached mirror.” Maybe a house like that would be the perfect place for a Japanies stile bad or, if you’re looking for a more adventurous bad, you might get the queen bed with mattress and hotspring. You could trick this place out with three large droors and that breakfast tray where “one leg needs fixation.”
Some of these household furnishings really do have promise. I was extremely tempted by the “Beautiful White Amour.” I thought it would go nicely in my room where I’ve already placed “very Sheik Slate Top Teak Furniture.” But suppose the amour and the sheik didn’t get along? Would I have to break out my “whine glasses from Pottery Barn” to jollie them back into good spirits?
Sometimes, dear reader, things do just get too personal. Who would feel comfortable brushing their teeth next to the 24” wide bathroom vanity assembly with sink bowel top included? Or, for that matter, buying Rover that Self-Feeding Dog Bowel? It’s all too much for me. I’ve passed, as well, on the seller who promoted her wares by saying, “This would be nice to have in a nursery if you have a girl instead of a glider.” Honestly, if I gave birth to a glider, no amount of nice furniture could comfort me.
Indeed, the idea of these dangerous products is enough to send me to my “armoir, closeth or wardrove” where I’m going to put on my White Petty Coat (formerly the property of a navy man, perhaps) and go out for some air.
This is very funny, Kate. My favorite from Craigs List or even Freecycle is the four-draw dresser. Which is exactly how people around here say it. Linguistically, all those spellings are interesting. Literately, not so much.
Edith (ha, just typed my name Ediht…)
I’m laughing so hard over here tears are literally spilling down my sheiks. Well did!
Good one, Kate. But you, as a good Mainer, also need to be reading Uncle Henry’s Swap and Sell It Guide! Lots of blog fodder there too.
Whee. how fun is that? Only things I’ve ever heard heretofore about Craig’s List is robbery and murder stemming from ummm intimate service ads. Or something.
The whine in those whine glasses would no doubt cause imbibers to complain about the shiek’s amorous ways.
Love Craigslist. Love this post.
I came across some china bowels up for bids on eBay quite a few years ago. My pattern, too. 😀
Whee! I loved this!
At this season…we need some smiles. Probably some durable china bowels, as well. And some lacy handkerchiefs to mop up the tears rolling down our sheiks.
Carl…I’m sure there’s fodder for writers in the personal service ads…but I don’t think I can go there. Enough fun just looking at furniture. They would, though, have a lot of use for some of those bads.
Thanks for the warning about not drinking coffee while reading!!!!
Ha Ha! I’m still laughing. You should next turn your wit to the real estate ads, Kate. You just may find a lovely place with a manson roof and wrap around dick.
OMG, Vicki….now that’s the house to live in. I blush even imagining it.
just got to this site. very funny re: craig’s list– especially for a formerly compulsive speller (now I have to either spellcheck or look things up . . . )
ps I’m now on my fourth Thea book — Educated Death — I think this one is the best yet.
Sandy…glad you found this. Hope the writing is going well…and so glad you’re enjoying Thea. I’ll be interested in your reaction when you get to Joe Burgess.