Kaitlyn Dunnett/Kathy Lynn Emerson here, today taking “inspiration” from my annoyance at a certain political ad running on local TV stations. You may have seen it, or one like it. Designed to tug at the heartstrings, paid for by out-of-state money, it lauds the involvement of a current (Republican, running for re-election after some votes that proved very detrimental to her constituents) Senator in helping a family with their child’s medical condition. The annoying part for me? At the end of the ad viewers are told (not asked, mind you, but told) to call this Senator and thank her.
Excuse me? I am perfectly happy to offer thanks when thanks are deserved, but a thank you is personal. Fine for the guy in the ad to thank the Senator, and if someone watching is moved to do the same, or send a handwritten note or an e-mail, options not mentioned in the ad, that’s fine, too, but do not expect me to pick up the phone and do the same.
I admit this is a bit of a hot button for me, probably because of something that happened way back in the 1970s. When my husband first got out of the Navy and we moved back to Maine we discovered that the job market was terrible. I had earned my MA in English and had been teaching English and Speech at a community college in Virginia but the best I could find in rural Franklin County was a post as a GED tutor with the local Community Action agency. First, however, I was able to attend that summer’s three-week Shakespeare Institute at the University of Bridgeport on a scholarship (the one advantage to being unemployed and broke). Except for one thing it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience and I earned six post-graduate credits. The one thing? Just prior to a cocktail party thrown for attendees by the Board of Directors of the Institute, or maybe by the Shakespeare Theater (now defunct) in nearby Stratford, with which it was affiliated, those of us who had “scholarships” were handed slips of paper. Each had a name on it. We were told this person had been our sponsor and we were ordered to find him or her and say thank you.
Maybe I was being too sensitive, but I found this offensive. Maybe if I had known from the start that I was the charity case of a specific individual I might have been a little less annoyed. Then again, maybe not. I (conveniently) never located my sponsor, thus avoiding the need to grovel.
wearing the dorm gown a friend of the family’s daughter sent me when I started college–yes, I wrote her a thank-you note
Yes, I know. I was supposed be musing about thank-you notes (in keeping with this being a blog about writing). This is all of a piece. At the same time I took offense at being ordered to say thank you, the whole concept of automatically sending hand-written thank-you notes, in particular for birthday, Christmas, and wedding gifts, was starting to disappear. That makes me wonder if there could be a connection.
No, not to me personally, but I grew up in the 1950s and I was not the only kid expected to write thank-you notes. Mothers, possibly after consulting their etiquette books, insisted on it. In the 1970s, people my age, having been liberated in other ways during the ’60s, were starting families. Did they secretly resent having been forced to write gushing notes to relatives they’d never met for gifts they would never use? Did they, consciously or unconsciously, decide to let their kids skip this “requirement” of good manners?
By the time a cousin of mine got married early in this century, thank-you notes had apparently gone out of fashion. She never said thank you in person at the wedding, either. In fact, now that I think about it, I didn’t even get confirmation that the wedding gift we picked off a registry ever reached the happy couple.
One of the last thank-you notes I received, this one after a home visit with high-school girls. The note was written by their teacher
Thank-you notes also used to be sent in both directions after a book talk or a signing, at least when libraries or book groups were involved. Eventually, as e-mail became more common, there might be a final electronic exchange . . . or not. I haven’t done either since before Covid, so I can’t say for certain but I suspect that thank-you notes are a thing of the past.
The above note was written on the back of this photo
What do you think, readers? Has the written thank-you note become extinct?
Kathy Lynn Emerson/Kaitlyn Dunnett has had sixty-four books traditionally published and has self published others. She won the Agatha Award and was an Anthony and Macavity finalist for best mystery nonfiction of 2008 for How to Write Killer Historical Mysteries and was an Agatha Award finalist in 2015 in the best mystery short story category. In 2023 she won the Lea Wait Award for “excellence and achievement” from the Maine Writers and Publishers Alliance. She was the Malice Domestic Guest of Honor in 2014. She is currently working on creating new editions of her backlist titles. Her website is www.KathyLynnEmerson.com.
No. I have written hundreds and hundreds of “Thank you” notes in my life as an act of curtesy. The rewards have been remarkable. I was taught this as a child in the 1950s. Before computers, cell phones and mass media. Nicer generation. Thank you for such a wonderful reminder that kindness hasn’t gone out of style.
I’m delighted to be proven wrong. Thanks for commenting.
My daughter (49) still sends hand-written thank you notes. Her children (17, 23, 26) send texts. (They used to send hand-written notes.) My DIL (44) sends texts and records my grandson (3) saying thank you. The other grandkids (15, 19) send texts. I send texts. A female friend (78) sends hand-written notes and, when her granddaughter (10) is with her, she is teaching her to write notes. (Granddaughter, otherwise, does not acknowledge receipt of anything sent in the mail.) Most people I send things to (friends and family, ages 26-72) send a text.
That’s great to hear. Thanks for commenting.
Thank you notes will not “die” as long as the older generation continues to write them but my sons, DILs, and grandsons always acknowledge gifts in some way.
When a college kid calls me, I enjoy the contact & do not miss the written message. Gifts for weddings, showers, etc are abysmally unacknowledged – – enough to make myself & others question if we should send anything. Kudos to my offspring for imbuing the value of expressing gratitude into the next generation. I remember my own mother saying that any of her children, grandchildren who couldn’t bother to thank her would no longer get gifts . . . and she did exactly that!
Love your mother’s response. Thanks for sharing.
So true how people have forgotten. After book events, I always send a handwritten thank you to the librarian or bookstore owner and the reactions range from incredulity to gratitude. But it is a lovely way to make a connection.
I agree.
I learned the art and value of writing thank you notes from my mother. Yes, I am the older generation. I make donations to various organizations and causes and always receive a thank you note. I don’t have to make donations. It’s a choice. Nice to be appreciated. As far as personal gifts or other efforts a call, email, or text will work. But if I receive nothing – in my mind it reflects poorly on the recipient who didn’t appreciate my kindness or generosity. I received a $50 scholarship check from a company when I graduated from high school (1972) and with my mother’s nudging I sent the president of the company a typed thank you note. He sent me a letter back and offered his help if I ever needed it. I did reach out when I needed a reference after I got out of college. Sending or speaking thanks is in my DNA and to this day it has never gone out of style. I don’t do it to receive anything in return. I want the other party to know I appreciate them.
Our mothers taught us basic good manners. I really hope most of our generation passed that on to the next. Thanks for commenting, and for sharing your story.
I like Jeanne’s comment “Sending or speaking thanks is in my DNA and to this day it has never gone out of style.” Amen!
I sometimes write thank you notes. Other times, I try to thank the individual in person, but I think the custom is on the way out, alas.
Going by other comments, the jury is still out. I never had kids of my own to teach to write thank-you notes so I can’t take either blame or credit there, but it doesn’t appear that my more distant relatives or my in-laws ever acquired the habit. Sad.
For gifts, dinner invitations, a good time…..Oh, yes. I am a child of the 50s.
As a child of the early 60s, my mum required a us to write a note to anyone making the effort to give a gift. My sisters and I bellyached muchly, but wrote them. After our wedding I took so long to get all the thank yous out that some gifters called my parents to make sure the presents were received. There were over 200 notes to write and some how each thank you became a letter continuing on with newsy bits about what we were into, etc, etc. It took over 6 months but each giver got a resounding acknowledgement. I found out later that most were bowled over with the length of the correspondence and forgave the delay. I’m still guilty of extended thank you notes but getting them out much faster 🙂 I’m also an unapologetic card sender. It’s so much fun to surprise someone with a quick message in a card they weren’t expecting.
Thank you notes are pretty rare.
We are careful to thank people in person, but no written notes any longer.
It is a concern when you leave a gift at a party and never hear whether they received it.
If it is an Amazon or USPS delivery, I make sure to text the sender that it arrived and how pleased I was to receive it.
I think you are correct though that written thank you notes are dying out.
Karen
I still write thank-you notes, both for personal gifts and for when a library or someone else has gone out of their way. I wrote a thank-you note to a recent reader who made my day with her written note. As for receiving them in return for gifts, I still get them from most of the young adults I know. I count a “thank you” text or phone call as a “note” although many of them also send a written note, too. I have to say that receiving them from young family members keeps the gifts flowing. 🙂