John Clark a tad late to the blog this morning. Next September Mother and I are celebrating 40 years together legally (you can tack on a couple in front of that where we lived in Sin, a small town between Augusta and Waterville). Ever since we heard those folks who bought out DeLorme might kill off the paper atlases for each state, we’ve been buying the different states from Uncle Henry’s, Ebay and wherever we can find them in preparation for an extended road trip to celebrate. We both figure if we wait to hit 50 years, it might have to be by ambulance, so we’re busting the piggy banks and going all out.

Uncle Dub whose knees and eyesight corralled him a couple years back, is loaning us his near mint VW Bus, complete with paint job and original McCarthy flower decals so we can travel in style. I can tell you lots of research, not to mention many a heated discussion, has gone into our itinerary, which isn’t completely finalized. We hope to hit unique events in all fifty states. Here, without further fanfare, is our planned itinerary, starting in Maine.

We’re starting with a fairly new event, the Deer Tick Orienteering Challenge in Gettumoffa, ME. After skipping Cow Hampshire, it’s on to the Bratty Sibling Therapy Conference in Illtellmy, MA, followed by a stop at the Gouged by Sketchy Internists Conference in Scanmeby, CT. We’re really looking forward to the Tipsy Poet Day in Comingthroughthe, RI. We’re looping back north to the Often Published, but Terribly Boring Academic Drone-off in Curriculum, VT before taking the ferry across Lake Champlain so we can hit the Get by with Less Sharing Day in Havent, NY.

After visiting relatives in Old Forge, we’re heading on a big swing through the middle Atlantic states before beginning our southern swing. I’m really looking forward to participating as a judge in the School Lunch Makeoff in PB, NJ, before we head to the Vanishing Political Promise-off in Fa, DE. Beth is hoping the Medical Fraud Symposium in Bogus, MD lives up to expectations, while I’m hoping for the same when we hit the Pennsylvania Polka Tuba Playoff in Omypa, PA. We have mixed feelings about hitting the Never Grew Up After College Reunion in Stilldointhe, WV because we’re sure we’ll encounter people we can’t stand. It’s on to The Borrower’s Fest in Doyouha, VA, but only to snap a few photos before we’re inundated with shouts of ‘gimmee’.

There are some really unique events once you hit the southern states, starting with The Bet Something’s Wrong Weekend in Feelin, NC, but sadly South Carolina is among the states lacking an interesting event, so it’s a zip through on our way to The Flashy Female Performer Wannabe contest in Ladyga, GA . I hear it’s almost impossible to tell who’s anatomically correct at this one. Florida beckons next with The Deadhead Museum in Grate, FL which is rivaled by its neighboring event, The Yankovic Family Reunion in Weird, AL. I’m eager to see if a cat fight breaks out at the Southern Belle Ball in Don’tcallme, MS, while Beth is intrigued by the possibility of a duel at the Perpetual Promise To Lower Them in Burdensome, TX right after the French Quarter Hottie Pageant in Oola, LA.

Since we have all summer to complete these visits and most events are at a fixed time, we loop back to moonshine country to hit some dandies, starting with the We’re Being Watched Paranoia Encampment in Yessu, AR, quickly followed by the Housebreaking Challenge in Skeleton, KY and the Cool Dude Smackoff in Gimme, TN. Speaking of Dudes, there’s an unspoken rivalry between the cools and the slows, so our next stop is at the Laidback Dude Fest in Slo, MO.

We’re finishing the heartlands next, starting with the Give Peace A Chance Bed-in at JohnandYok, OH, then the International Hypochondriac Society Summer Symposium in Feeling, IL and the Can You Overdo It Reality TV Tryouts at All, IN. Moving north, we’re anticipating the Narcissistic Weekend in Itsallabout, MI, overdoing it at the All The Way Home Pig Roast in Wee, WI and free samples at the Alphabet Soup Makers Get together in Jaykayell, MN.

West of the Mississippi again, we’re psyched to hit the Bad Vision 200 Auto Race in Myop, IA and the Drunken Hookup Rodeo in Sloppy, KS, before hitting the Compassion Competition in Areyou, OK.

Remember, life can be more relaxed or extreme out west, depending on the location as evidenced by the following events. We point to how different the Freud Fanatics Night in Penis, NV is from the Hardass State Cop Tournament in Gotany, ID. Even more intriguing are the Channeling The Insane Clown Possee Peyote Fair in Low, CO, the Anger Management %$#@@ Tour Night in Em, NM, the Village People Impersonation Contest in Whyem, CA and we can’t forget the Pretty Baby Week in Whattac, UT

I know we’re skipping a bit now, but the final itinerary isn’t cast in stone. (That’s an obscure town in Nebraska). Speaking of which, I almost forgot to mention we’re hitting the Learning to Panhandle Marathon Weekend in Got, NE, not to mention the Chronic Fatigue Campout in Runningon, MT. While most people look forward to the big bike Rally in Sturgis, or Mount Rushmore in South Dakota, we have better stops in mind. We’re hitting the Timothy Leary’s Not Dead Day in L, SD and the Last Beatniks on Earth Homecoming in Living, ND.

Our final stops find us at the Backward Shakespeare Festival in Youlikeit, AZ, the Ambivalence Finals in Either, OR and the Pondering and Mulling Fest in Everwonder, WY, before venturing farther afield for the Bloom County Snarkoff in Billthecat, AK and one we might never leave, the Pacific Ganja Growers Competition in Perpetually, HI.

We’re still looking for something to see in NH, SC and WA. Got any suggestions?