In a surprise move yesterday, the State of Missouri announced that it is “consciously uncoupling” from the United States. “With a congressional approval rating of 12.5% and a presidential approval rating of 41%, we thought it was time to reassess our relationship,” said Missouri Governor Jay Nixon’s spokesperson, Scott Holste. When questioned about the difficulty of establishing a currency, central bank and military defense, Holste said, “Whoa, whoa. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s just say ‘we’re on a break’ and leave it at that.” Holste added that Missouri might be “open to counseling.”
For however long the break lasts, the move had far-ranging consequences across the country in New England. In a little known provision, the Missouri Compromise, the law that brought both Missouri and Maine into being, requires that if Missouri ceases to exist, Maine must be rejoined with its former colonial master, Massachusetts.
The shocking development brought consternation in Augusta and Boston, where Liberal Democrat Duval Patrick will be forced to co-govern with Tea Party darling Paul LePage.
“I’m sure we’ll do fine,” LePage said. “Patrick, he’s an Irish guy, right?”
“I plan to spend most of my time in Iowa and New Hampshire, anyway,” said lame duck Patrick. “LePage, that’s Haitian, right?”
In an early compromise, Patrick announced that Maine residents could sign up for health insurance via the Mass Connector website. While widely seen as a defeat for LePage, LePage responded, “My understanding is the Mass website functions so poorly this move will have little practical effect.”
For his part, LePage demanded that if he was going to work at the State House in Boston, the plaque honoring slain Labor Leader Edward Cohen would have to be removed. LePage gave no reason except that the plaque gave him the “Heebie McJeebies.”
“I’m sure we’ll have it all sorted out by Patriots’ Day,” Patrick said.
“Patriot’s Day,” LePage corrected.
“That’s what I said. Patriots’ Day,” Patrick agreed. “It is going to be a long couple of weeks, though.”
In Maine, man on the street Hubie Newell was preparing for the reunification. “I’ve traded my Outback in for a Saab and I’ve been practicing racing down Route One blindfolded with a brick duct-taped to my right foot,” Newell said. “That way I’ll be ready for’em when they come.”
Asked in Copley Square how he expected the reunification to effect his life, Bay Stater Bard Finster said, “Wait, what is happening?”
In an unrelated development, the State of New Hampshire raised the passenger car rate at the Hampton toll to $50.